A few days ago, a friend sent me a link to an article titled 13 Things Made of Bacon That Shouldn’t Be. The article features things made of real bacon and things made of fake bacon. I like bacon as much as anyone else, but I’ve had it with bacon-themed non-food items such as the bacon bra, bacon hats, and bacon dress. And I especially loathe it when food or sensory items are flavored or scented with bacon, like chapstick, cupcakes, or vodka.
It was funny at first, but really, the bacon craze has become passe and is just gross. Can you imagine greasy, fatty, slimy bacon on your skin? Ladies, would you really wear a bra made of bacon? Guys, would you really eat raw bacon off of a girl? I’m guessing not.
I know realism isn’t the point, the point is to be funny, but i’m tired of seeing the word “bacon” bandied about all over the internet like some sort of buzzword.
Let’s examine a few bacon items and how repulsive they are when you really think about them. Take for instance the bacon lampshade:
I respect the minutes it took someone to create such a masterpiece, and I really do giggle at the thought of what would happen if you actually stuck a lightbulb in there and lit it: Marvel at the the unexpected translucent beauty of cured sowbelly! The heavenly smell! The potential for a grease fire! But honestly, all I see when I look at this is something that may have adorned a corner table in Jeffrey Dahmer’s living room.
The bacon lampshade is obviously a one-time creation not likely to be seen in a retail outlet anytime soon, but what about bacon vodka? I had the chance to try this in a bloody mary made by an expert mixologist. The concoction which would have been delicious if made with plain or pepper-flavored vodka was rendered undrinkable by the bacon vodka because that stuff is GROSS. Truly truly disgusting. It smells like the most MSG-laden fake bacon mixed with the cheapest vodka and, once unstoppered, a bottle of bacon vodka will immediately fill a room with a smell which I’m sure you’re still imagining to be pleasant.
You’re wrong about the pleasantness. I was with somebody who tried a shot of straight bacon vodka, and he was not pleased by the taste at all. He said it tasted like bacon grease mixed with vodka. That’s because this is exactly how bacon vodka gets it’s flavor: rendered bacon grease is mixed with vodka in order to infuse it’s essence into said vodka, then the fat and grease are all strained out. Disgusting: no two ways about it. My friend couldn’t get the taste of bacon fat out of his mouth for hours.
I will forever warn people against the evils of bacon vodka.
Don’t worry, I don’t intend to stop eating bacon or anything. That would be absurd. But I’m not interested in mundane items that have been given bacon makeovers; it’s not innovative, artful, or humorous anymore. Please, for the love of whatever god you pray to (or don’t), find another muse.