Variations on a Theme

This was the WordPress Daily Prompt from November 23.

I used line 3 from page 82 of Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris. It just happens to be a quote. What a great conversation starter. It’s something that would likely be said by someone having a bad day. Maybe this guy’s (we’ll call him Jim) car won’t start, so he has to call his recently-exed ex wife (we’ll call her Judy) to bring him the key to the old junker he keeps parked in the driveway, much to the dismay of his neighbors. How’d Judy end up with the key when the car is still sitting in Jim’s driveway? Well, maybe it’s actually her car, but since she doesn’t have anywhere to put it, she’s left it in the ex’s driveway for the time being. More likely they’re fighting over the car, and while it’s still at the house she moved out of, Judy retains the key because she feels she has more right to it than he does because it belonged to her ex-boyfriend-before-she-met-Jim, Barry, even though Barry is Jim’s half-brother. For whatever reason, Judy has the key and when Jim calls and asks her to bring it to him, she’s out of town on business, so she sends her personal assistant (named Kitty, of course), whom the ex-husband really hates. Normally Jim wouldn’t swear so much’s but he’s got a bit of a hangover after celebrating Barry’s engagement the night before, also, he hates Kitty because she’s a little brownnosing kissass. She was always trying to make him out as the bad guy to gain Judy’s trust in order to move up the corporate ladder. So when Kitty shows up an hour and a half later than promised, Jim can’t stop himself from saying it.

Come to think of it, Kitty isn’t having the best of days, either. First her boss sends her over to that creep ex-husband’s house to bring him a key for his junk heap–Kitty can’t fathom why anyone would have a sentimental attachment to that shitbox–then her squash partner Megan cancels on her when she’s just fifteen minutes from the gym. This totally sucks because not only does Kitty really need to take out some aggression on the squash court, she really wants a chance to chat up Danny, the cute new guy at the gym who just happens to also play a lot of squash. Sure she can go ride the elliptical for awhile, but that won’t get her any closer to Danny. Oh, but look! Danny’s squash partner appears to have stood him up! Just as he’s about to ask Kitty to be his partner, in strides Julia, Megan’s super-athletic, super-competitive roommate; here to take Megan’s place. Julia is glistening, and they haven’t even started playing yet. She rode her bike here. So did Danny. Julia tells Danny if he sticks around, he gets to play the winner. After she trounces Kitty in three consecutive games, Kitty gets a call from her boss about some documents that are needed across town ASAP. Kitty mutters under her breath as she stalks off the squash court.

Julia is having a great day. Who would’ve known taking over her roommate’s squash game would have led her to meet the very hot Danny? After she beat him at squash, he took her out to dinner, and now they’re making out on her couch. His phone won’t stop beeping with texts, which he claims are from work. Julia, tired of the interruption, tells him to just answer and get it over with. After finally reading all the texts on his phone, Danny makes his excuses and leaves, telling Julia it’s an emergency. Later that night, Julia’s old friend Judy calls to tell her she just dumped her new secret boyfriend because he was cheating on her. Julia reminds her that he was only a post-divorce rebound anyway, and asks Judy to tell her what happened. First of all, he didn’t seem very excited to pick Judy up from the airport when her business trip ended a day early, and he hadn’t been answering her texts while she’d been away. Also, her PA texted her to tell her about how the new, hot, squash-playing, bike-riding guy at the gym was flirting with her. Judy figures it was her secret rebound boyfriend because he is supposed to be “trying out” the gym as a guest on her membership so that he can improve his squash game. Julia tells Judy about her date with Danny, and the next day she receives the following text from Danny: “I should have known that bitch would call a fucking bitch like you.”

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Jenny

The cheese to your macaroni.

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