Best Tweets of 2014

After an extended period of not giving a shit, I’ve rediscovered some hilarious tweets from 2014. I know it’s a bit late, but here they are. 

@highzoot While shoveling the drive today I was struck by the obvious and uncanny resemblance between snow and blow. 1/08/14

@jebro Pulp’s “Common People” is probably my favorite song about being friendzoned by an aristocratic British girl. 1/08/14

@senorpaco I just had a thought: there has to be at least one Klingon dominatrix out there. I’m scared to do the search. 1/09/14

@kriten Yarp. 1/09/14

@usedwigs On the original Beverly Hills, 90210, who lost their virginity first? You’re right! It was Nat from the Peach Pit in 1962. 1/21/14

@deeveaux Never underestimate the power of Boiseans to flock to a new chain restaurant. 1/24/14

@bazecraze You can have a soul or a soul patch, but not both. 1/24/14

@ThomasPaul117 .@IdahoStatesman RT “…The police is asking for your help…” They is? 1/28/14

@jden415 Best catname I’ve heard today: Mr. Sandwich. 1/28/14

@electric_glass Is there a vaccine for this endless craving for gummi bears that I’ve developed? 1/28/14

@textboxd “Irish Company Locates Office in Ireland” is a headline one doesn’t expect to see… 1/29/14

@rilaws “I Had More of a Connection to That Actor Who Died Than You Did: An Essay.” 2/4/14

@jedikermit Sharing a bag of tortilla chips with my dog for breakfast. #HappyValentinesDay  2/14/14

@albear Spending Valentine’s Day this year with my true love. Her name is breakfast burrito. 2/14/14

@FilthyRichmond Steaming hot oatmeal is the next best thing to a feeding tube. 2/17/14

@PaddyConsidine Shaping Your Child's Sexual Identity With a Little Orientation From Dad... 2/28/14
@PaddyConsidine Shaping Your Child’s Sexual Identity With a Little Orientation From Dad… 2/28/14

@NeinQuarterly In case there’s still no metal band named Doomlaut, please consider it hereby called into being. 3/2/14

@bsandusky There are less women than men on LinkedIn. Proving once again that women are simply smarter than men. 3/6/14

@theAmazingBen Why do hipsters even need monocles? They’re never flabbergasted enough to drop them in shock. 3/7/14

@UtterHorseshit Coworker frowns at breakfast buffet. “How does it work?” I point to instructions. “$4 small plate, $6 big.” Stares. “So…small is less?” 3/12/14

@JosephScrimshaw Today I will proudly wear the t-shirt of my people: Don’t Make Eye Contact With Me, I’m Scandinavian. 3/17/14

@wilw A commercial for popcorn that changes the Ramones’ Shock Treatment to “gimme gimme Pop Secret” oh god I hate myself so much right now. 3/17/14

@HarryRamble Finally finished reading the Internet and I thought it was a little self-indulgent. It could easily afford to lose a billion pages or so. 3/17/14

@m3mo I place no limits on pesto. 3/19/14

@ThomasPaul117 Sent an email to some clients I normally text to tell them I CAN’T TEXT RIGHT NOW one of them responds “Cool man just shoot me a text whenevs. 5/8/14

@drewtoothpaste “We must survive the plague,” a medieval peasant said to another. “My descendants will use their gift of life to stream TV shows for weeks.” 5/9/14

@StephenMangan "Man turns up safe" or "Man goes out for the day?" 5/16/14
@StephenMangan “Man turns up safe” or “Man goes out for the day?” 5/16/14

@KKCornelison Can one put on resume: really great at having bangs (as opposed to not having bangs)? 5/22/14

@Wolfrum The revolution shall be utterly humorless and mostly redacted. 5/22/14

@KenJennings More like "Sugar Ray, Gin Blossoms and Blues Traveler with Uncle Kracker" NO. 5/22/14
@KenJennings More like “Sugar Ray, Gin Blossoms and Blues Traveler with Uncle Kracker” NO. 5/22/14

@wilw Cat: IM IN UR LAP. Me: yep. Cat: PET ME. Me: Ok. Cat: FUCK YOU DON’T PET ME! Me: Ok. Cat: WHY THE FUCK YOU NO PET ME? Me: This is familiar. 5/23/14

@TweetsofOld It is not permissible, the use of too much punctuation. Thankfully, the exclamation point is almost obsolete. HI 1905 5/23/14

@brionrushton Hold me closer, necromancer. 5/26/14

@ThomasPaul117 A buddy cop movie with me & Anthony Kiedis. 98% of the movie is me rolling my eyes while he’s all “Ayyyy ohhhhh, Lissen wut I sayyyyy ohhhh.” 5/26/14

@1derfroward My students submitted 4th grade book reports in lieu of the analytical essays I assigned. 5/29/14

@poritsky In 2012 a grackle fell out of a tree and ONTO me on 6th St. Today another whizzed past my ear in a decapitation attempt. Fuckin’ grackles. 5/29/14

@poritsky For those who don’t know what grackles are: imagine if a pigeon had a baby with a kitten and then give it a knife where its beak should be. 5/29/14

@wilw It’s come to this: I’m watching a show called ICE HOLES. 5/30/14

@heykarlin The Terminator means well, but definitely comes across like a guy programmed to pork his maid. 5/30/14

@GloGloMiller My mom is trying to pick a username. She asks me if there is a disgusting meaning for 99… #smh 5/30/14

@lowtax hahaha okay well I’m gonna do an interview with, ahahahaha, Fox News about Slenderman now ahahaHAHAHAHAAAAAAA(seriously)AHAHAAAA! 6/4/14

@robwhisman “there’s really no way to prevent these school shootings,” reports nation that took two weeks to ban Four Loko. 6/10/14

@alaindebotton Insomnia: the mind’s revenge for all the thoughts you were careful not to have in the day. 6/13/14

@GeorgeTakei Can never hear "captain's log" again without picturing this. 6/16/14
@GeorgeTakei Can never hear “captain’s log” again without picturing this. 6/16/14

@bazecraze The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut. 6/18/14

@MJMcKean Glad they’re re-releasing Snoop Dogg’s lovely 1996 album of Rodgers & Hart tunes, “Shiznit Romantic?” 7/1/14

@drewtoothpaste Bread lines in the USSR would last hours. In the USA, you can wait in line for as little as 45 minutes at a food truck for a meal. Amazing. 7/2/14

@JohnFugelsang Large amts of sugar found in instant oatmeal & yogurt, shocking health-conscious consumers who can’t read ingredients. 7/8/14

@theAmazingBen Me: “Anybody know why American flags are at half-mast?” Friend: “Well, wasn’t Smash Mouth in town this weekend?” 7/14/14

@katbrad Stop encouraging Anne Hathaway. 7/15/14

@JoshMalina “Yes, there is. It’s a green door over there, on the left. It’s marked ‘Exit,'” said the Thief to the Joker. 7/18/14

@heykarlin Attacking the day like a Shih Tzu. 7/21/14

@SarahThyre I bet whales that beach themselves are the ones who found out their vocals were being set to New Age music. 7/25/14

@mindykaling Horrified to realize that crisp chicken skin is 100% my favorite food. 7/25/14

@badbanana When a douchebag is an even bigger douche below the surface: Doucheberg. 7/25/14

@markleggett Close your eyes and imagine Coolio’s horse… WRONG! It actually has normal hair. 7/27/14

@streetseidell A dog acts like a toddler. A cat acts like a 28 year old unemployed kid who still lives at home. 7/28/14

@hotdogsladies Grammar Pedants rarely get laid. Because they’re pretty sure you meant to say “lain.” 7/28/14

@JimGaffigan A breakfast burrito almost makes waking up worth it. 7/29/14

@brionrushton A coffee shop named Grounds for Divorce, serving only the most bitter of drinks. 7/29/14

@PeachCoffin Swiss chard is short for Swiss Richard. 7/30/14

@joshgondelman Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber, and it’s like, why does he get to live all my dreams? 7/30/14

@KenJennings All I want is true, unconditional love like when Paul and Linda McCartney got the same mullet in 1974. 7/30/14

@4cast4you New @SyfyTV shows are really going downhill. 07/30/14
@4cast4you New @SyfyTV shows are really going downhill. 07/30/14

@LizHackett “This place is beautiful! Mountains! Trees! Water! Let’s put in an outlet mall.” – Humans. 7/31/14

@pdxlilly Have you noticed the Willamette river water level is really high right now? It’s the runoff from all the under-boob sweat. 8/5/14

@scalzi I am delighted such a thing as this exists in our world. 8/7/14
@scalzi I am delighted such a thing as this exists in our world. 8/7/14

@MJMcKean Having been notified of a certain American slang term, the beautiful French city of Chartres is considering a name change. 8/7/14

@hughlaurie Sasquatch, Loch Ness Monster, Acceptable Men’s Sandals. 8/10/14

@hughlaurie Since my earliest memory, I have dreamed of being a content provider. 8/11/14

@PayetteSheila The fair is in town. I wish I were out of town. 8/12/14

@pdxlilly What ever the question, the answer is always “a burrito.” 8/12/14

@_youhadonejob Scientists you had one job and that wasn't it. 8/13/14
@_youhadonejob Scientists you had one job and that wasn’t it. 8/13/14

@m3mo THANKS TO YOU WE HAVE FULFILLED THE EARTH’S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES QUOTA. PLEASE STOP. 8/13/14

@brionrushton It’s hard to know how many places you’ve visited for the last time. 8/13/14

@julierose78 “The ’80s started with the ‘Valley Girl’ soundtrack and ended with the Def Leppard album after the drummer lost his arm.” #GregDecrees 8/13/14

@JeffTheNewBlack I’ve deleted Foursquare and despite not using it in months it’s still liberating. 8/13/14

@MarkDuplass “That’s ET? He looks like a big steak.” – my 8 year old niece. 8/13/14

@electric_glass I wonder if a skeleton’s biggest fear is dogs running off with their parts. 8/14/14

@michaelianblack Proud to accept this Tony Award for Best Performance Pretending I Am Jason Bourne While Walking Down The Hallway of This Apartment Building. 8/14/14

@katebushvgore I've waited my entire life to read this. 8/14/14
@katebushvgore I’ve waited my entire life to read this. 8/14/14

@textboxd Area man feels weight of own mortality watching local kid shazaam Elliott Smith song. 8/15/14

@drewtoothpaste Shouts out to the dude in Best Buy who just unwrapped and handed a one pound block of pepper jack cheese to a child in a stroller. 8/15/14

@Sherman_Alexie I’m greatly irritated by public whistlers. What the fuck are they so happy about? 8/19/14

@senorpaco I have an idea for a kids book. It’s called “Doo Doo Doo, I’m a Spider.” 8/19/14

@GallagherMeow Please drown me if I ever decide to grow a soul patch. 8/21/14

@IdahoStatesman Just heard on the police scanner: Hot tub on fire. 8/25/14

@badbanana Heat index of 110. There are so many shirtless dudes in LA right now it’s impossible to tell who’s in the Red Hot Chili Peppers. 9/16/14

@ladufurrena The BEST mural in Idaho, and possibly anywhere. 9/21/14
@ladufurrena The BEST mural in Idaho, and possibly anywhere. 9/21/14

@scott_nicholson The thing I don’t like about banking is having 5 people simultaneously saying “Welcome to (enter name of bank).” Where do introverts bank? 9/26/14

@senorpaco “I Want A New Rug,” a rug store owned by Huey Lewis. 9/26/14

@scalzi It’s amazing how quickly you can determine someone is stupid, and then mute them forever. 9/26/14

@RexHuppke Imagine the outrage if Ebola caused people to get a free U2 album. 10/15/14

@laureneoneal Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang? 10/15/14

@SarahThyre FREE BABY NAMES: Charb, Leave, Justinden, Layleagué, CokeAnne, Margical, Drakkarth. 10/16/14

@laurenweedman At LAX guy in a wheelchair yelling “hey thanks for parking me right in front of the women’s bathroom so I look like a big perv!” I love him. 10/16/14

@ConanOBrien There’s now a hybrid Lamborghini for environmentally-conscientious men with small penises. 10/16/14

@BryanCranston “Florida mom petitions against Toys ‘R Us over Breaking Bad action figures.: I’m so mad, I’m burning my Florida Mom action figure in protest. 10/20/14

@senorpaco Wolverine would definitely get a Reuben for lunch. 10/31/14

@AJemaineClement I mixed up the “face bar” with the “body soap” in my hotel. Now my face is gonna smell like body all day. 10/31/14

@KellOWatt All morning in the mountains and no wildlife. Bear in Garden City. 11/11/14
@KellOWatt All morning in the mountains and no wildlife. Bear in Garden City. 11/11/14

@ladufurrena Notable life moments: my latest search engine keywords have been “pig raffle” and “cat diarrhea.” 11/20/14

@julierose78 No, telemarketer. My business is not Julie Handwriting and Consulting, much to my mother’s chagrin. 12/9/14

@GaryJanetti American Horror Story: Accents. 12/10/14

@heykarlin Fired a guy in my office using JibJab. 12/17/14

@NeinQuarterly Rage. Rage. Against the jingling of the bells. 12/18/14

@_youhadonejob I don't think that was supposed to go to print. 12/22/14
@_youhadonejob I don’t think that was supposed to go to print. 12/22/14

@repressd No one is safe from Cumberbatch Hegemony. 12/24/14

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